My attraction toward guys

I don’t normally date guys…anymore. I will get VERY friendly with them, though…Like, I went on a trip with a group I’m in. 5 hour bus ride. And me and this one guy (who is 15 and very ticklish) I tickled him…and he was like, totally fine with it, besides the joking “nigga, naw, Ima fight you, and Ima cut you up” he says this in the most ghettoooo voice possible. And he’s the whitest kid I know. I’m not trying to be racist, but I don’t know how else to describe how he said it. <3. And then he tickled me. And this other guy, who’s 16, kept tickling me. And he isn’t ticklish. But he has pressure points. Sucks for him, right?! XP. 

Anyway, on to how I don’t like guys. I get bored with them. I’m sorry that sounded horrid….but pretty much yea. I like the physical part, because guys are really touch feely. And so am I. So I like putting my legs on their lap, hugging them, putting my head on their lap, jabbing them in the stomach, etc. But, when I date a guy, it doesn’t last long. Maybe 3 weeks, then I just don’t like them. I’m not sure why. But when I date girls, it lasts forever. And I love them, soooo much. Always. So I don’t want to date guys. Because then I lose them as friends. I’m an ass, right? No. Nigga naw.

What I think about the friend zone-People who friend zone guys aren’t asses. Same with guys who friend zone girls. It’s not their fault they are not attracted to the other person. I think of guys I like as friends, nothing more. Just more touchy feely friends, for the physical side I don’t have right now. It works for them, it works for me. Because most of these guys? Yea. They are like 15-16. And im 13, so I don’t have a chance at first. And they all know I’m gay to begin with.  I find it weird I figured this out this morning…but yea. So I cuddle with guys, hang with them, but I have no emotional feelings for them, besides cuddle interests. Not love interests.

So yea. I figured out I’m gay! Sorry for keeping you waiting. And according to my friend, who gender swaps a lot, im very gender fluid. IM SO FREAKIN HAPPY!! Cuz, now I can present myself in public as a guy, and most people believe me!! <3 yaaaay.

 

Side note-When I say things like nigga naw, I’m not using it in an offensive way. If you took it that way, I apologize immeadiatly, as it can be a touchy term for some people. I was mocking the way my friend said it, who mocks the way people at his school say it. So I’m very sorry if you took it in an offensive way. Love you, bye <3

Why telling someone you love them is a stupid, stupid idea.

I told her I loved her months ago. Before we drifted apart. I remember the phone call exactly…

me-Hey, I kinda want to tell you somthing.

her-tell me! 

me-K, im just gonna say this before i chicken out. When we were talking the other day, i was really close to kissing you.

her-OMG lol i was gonna say the same thing! Like, if we keep hugging and being close and stuff, i might develope feelings for you!!

me-omg hahaha yea!!! Lol so like, what now?

her-Idk, cuz when i lost olivia, it was really shitty, and that was bc we dated. and i really dont want to lose you as a friend.

me-same here, so just nothing for now, agreed?

her-haha yea kk. 

 

And then stuff happened. She wouldnt let me sit on her lap, she would almost always make sure we had 5 or so inches between us when sitting, etc. And I was like, wtf does she just need space? And now I realize on the phone she lied. Its pretty retarded of me to not really figure that out until months later. 

Its wierd. This guy likes me. And I dont want him to hug me. I just feel really uncomfortable around him. Like, when he hugs me, he will take his head and put it on my shoulder and cling to me really tight. And he is always saying why do you look depressed/sad/etc at times when im actually happy. And i think im like her now. Maybe? Not sure. 

Its been a while since I cut. Maybe a month? 5 weeks? yay me!!! I feel strong. But weak sometimes too. When you make a clay sculpture, you slip and score. You make tiny little tiny cuts in the side, and then put wet clay on it to stick two pieces together. If you dont, it will blow up in the kiln. Slipping and scoring makes the piece stronger. I think I slip and (mainly) score my ankles, as a way to not make me blow up. I feel stronger, a new person. I cut, that problems gone, here I come world. Now its, I didnt cut, I have a bit of a grudge, and I feel like I am teetering just a bit. But thats only for a little while. Not long…kinda. 

Im so sorry I havent been on in WEEKS!! OMg, its insane, right? Ive just had alot going on, and decided to cut instead of write. To yell. And insult. It SUCKS ASS. Ill be on later. I promise. And I want you to know, I love you!! <3

I love her…so much ,3

I have a gf. Shes 15. Only 2 year difference, bout to be 1 year! I love her so much, i think about her all the time!! Like, i cant stop thinking about her. I cant wait to see her. She is beautiful. Shes my precious chocolate bear, and im her forbidden white chocolate XDDDD. But yea, shes short, and so amazing!!!

 

HRT FTM

So i talked to my parents about going to my next school as a guy, and maybe going through hormone replacement therapy. they took it well, and were looking into it.