I told her I loved her months ago. Before we drifted apart. I remember the phone call exactly…
me-Hey, I kinda want to tell you somthing.
me-K, im just gonna say this before i chicken out. When we were talking the other day, i was really close to kissing you.
her-OMG lol i was gonna say the same thing! Like, if we keep hugging and being close and stuff, i might develope feelings for you!!
me-omg hahaha yea!!! Lol so like, what now?
her-Idk, cuz when i lost olivia, it was really shitty, and that was bc we dated. and i really dont want to lose you as a friend.
me-same here, so just nothing for now, agreed?
her-haha yea kk.
And then stuff happened. She wouldnt let me sit on her lap, she would almost always make sure we had 5 or so inches between us when sitting, etc. And I was like, wtf does she just need space? And now I realize on the phone she lied. Its pretty retarded of me to not really figure that out until months later.
Its wierd. This guy likes me. And I dont want him to hug me. I just feel really uncomfortable around him. Like, when he hugs me, he will take his head and put it on my shoulder and cling to me really tight. And he is always saying why do you look depressed/sad/etc at times when im actually happy. And i think im like her now. Maybe? Not sure.
Its been a while since I cut. Maybe a month? 5 weeks? yay me!!! I feel strong. But weak sometimes too. When you make a clay sculpture, you slip and score. You make tiny little tiny cuts in the side, and then put wet clay on it to stick two pieces together. If you dont, it will blow up in the kiln. Slipping and scoring makes the piece stronger. I think I slip and (mainly) score my ankles, as a way to not make me blow up. I feel stronger, a new person. I cut, that problems gone, here I come world. Now its, I didnt cut, I have a bit of a grudge, and I feel like I am teetering just a bit. But thats only for a little while. Not long…kinda.
Im so sorry I havent been on in WEEKS!! OMg, its insane, right? Ive just had alot going on, and decided to cut instead of write. To yell. And insult. It SUCKS ASS. Ill be on later. I promise. And I want you to know, I love you!! ❤